I admit I have been a little neglectful in keeping up with my Tweets and my Facebook status message have been filled with doom and gloom. Perhaps it’s time for a little explanation for those who don’t really know what has been going on.
I have found myself squarely and firmly positioned in the role of caregiver. Randy had some issues with infection in a portacath (in his upper left chest) which resulted in an infection and ultimate removal of the device. Since then it has been one medical crisis after the next. The order in which we found out about each of these was not necessarily the order in which they happened, however. Who would have thought it was possible to have a stroke without knowing you had one?
He suffered a heart attack in October (the stroke apparently a few weeks prior to that) and was diagnosed with lung cancer in December. Thankfully the cancer was found during a routine MRI to try to determine why he wasn’t able to use his right arm (later determined to be the stroke). The decision was made that surgery would be necessary to determine the extent of the lung cancer. A thoracotomy followed and we were told they still werent able to get it all. There are still remnants of an affected lymph node that couldnt be removed without effecting his ability to speak. We now wait for a meeting with oncology to get some sort of prognosis and treatment regimen. They have already indicated chemotherapy and radiation will be given simultaneously.
At a time in my life when I honestly believed there would be some room for “me” time, I find that on somedays I am unable to even find 5 mins to stand in the shower without someone wanting something. It is much more difficult to actually be the caregiver than I had imagined. The focus is solely on the patient, you have to learn to take a back seat and realize that their mental state is more important than yours. Reminds me of the commercial for deodarant … “Never let them see you sweat”. You go through great measures to ensure that the one you are taking care of focuses only on getting better – or getting through it. So that means that there is no time for “me” time. Pay the bills, fix the car, do the laundry, clean the house, cook, take him to countless appointments, make sure the pills are packed for the week, still manage a full-time job, and don’t forget the grocery store.
There are days when I can handle all of the above like superman on steroids. There are other days where I think if anyone asks me for just one more thing I am going to explode. So the status messages are nothing more than me being able to express how I feel in the only place that it is safe for me to express that … anywhere he can’t hear it. Because I know that everything he is going through will take his full attention. If you happen to come across one of those messages, don’t fear, I am not on the verge of doing anything stupid. Just remember that caregivers need love too! A hug, a smile, a kind word will go a very long way in helping me keep whatever small bit of sanity I have left!
