Diversions & Deviations

Is there life after death?  Philosophers, theologians and wise men have pondered this question for ages.  I am none of the above and until I die, I couldn’t answer with any certainty. But there is life after death for those that are left behind.  And on that topic, I am well versed.

When I became a widow, I found myself searching for answers on what to do next.  I wanted to know what was expected of me.  Unfortunately there are no books in the library with a clearly laid out plan and timeline.  I did have the benefit of many opinions and advice from well-meaning people.  Everyone seemed to have their own ideas on how I should act and what I should or shouldn’t do.  Unfortunately a large percentage were a mere regurgitation of antiquated societal dictates.  And a majority of them from people who have never had to walk that path.

As I approach the 6-month anniversary of the death of my husband, I have had time to put everything into perspective.  I’ve spent a lot of time cooped up inside the walls of my apartment, careful not to appear anything other than the grieving widow.  And I realized that my period of grief and mourning started well before Randy’s death.  It started the day I was told they successfully removed the tumor, but the cancer had metastasized to at least one lymph node.  I kept that small glimmer of hope that treatment would be effective, but the reality of lymph node involvement made me understand I needed to prepare myself.  Over the course of the next few months, I watched him wither away in front of my eyes, and when I saw the hope vanish in his, I knew the time was at hand.  So, even though it has only been 6 months since his passing, it has been well over a year of mourning — for him, for the children and for me.

And now it is time to move on with my life — certainly to the dismay of some.  But I realize that I can’t stop living, my life goes on.

I spent a considerable amount of time this past week back at school. Not in the traditional sense (for someone my age) but online. I have been taking a series of webinars at Inbound Marketing that will hopefully lead to certification when I take the exam. Although its available now, being a perfectionist and highly competitive, I will have to reread my notes, review the slides and even revisit a seminar or two before I jump headlong into the test.

After completing all of the seminars, I will be the first to admit that I have failed miserably. Bless me reader, for I have sinned … my last blog entry was months ago. I promise to be a little more faithful in posting entries (that is of course assuming that the unversal conspiracy that has been ruling my life will let go for just a while!).

I found out about the course through a group on LinkedIn and I was very impressed by not only the content of the courses but also by the amazing group of people they pulled together to teach them. It was without a doubt the best investment of my time.

And now without further ado …. on to the exam!!!

I admit I have been a little neglectful in keeping up with my Tweets and my Facebook status message have been filled with doom and gloom. Perhaps it’s time for a little explanation for those who don’t really know what has been going on.

I have found myself squarely and firmly positioned in the role of caregiver. Randy had some issues with infection in a portacath (in his upper left chest) which resulted in an infection and ultimate removal of the device. Since then it has been one medical crisis after the next. The order in which we found out about each of these was not necessarily the order in which they happened, however. Who would have thought it was possible to have a stroke without knowing you had one?

He suffered a heart attack in October (the stroke apparently a few weeks prior to that) and was diagnosed with lung cancer in December. Thankfully the cancer was found during a routine MRI to try to determine why he wasn’t able to use his right arm (later determined to be the stroke). The decision was made that surgery would be necessary to determine the extent of the lung cancer. A thoracotomy followed and we were told they still werent able to get it all. There are still remnants of an affected lymph node that couldnt be removed without effecting his ability to speak. We now wait for a meeting with oncology to get some sort of prognosis and treatment regimen. They have already indicated chemotherapy and radiation will be given simultaneously.

At a time in my life when I honestly believed there would be some room for “me” time, I find that on somedays I am unable to even find 5 mins to stand in the shower without someone wanting something. It is much more difficult to actually be the caregiver than I had imagined. The focus is solely on the patient, you have to learn to take a back seat and realize that their mental state is more important than yours. Reminds me of the commercial for deodarant … “Never let them see you sweat”. You go through great measures to ensure that the one you are taking care of focuses only on getting better – or getting through it. So that means that there is no time for “me” time. Pay the bills, fix the car, do the laundry, clean the house, cook, take him to countless appointments, make sure the pills are packed for the week, still manage a full-time job, and don’t forget the grocery store.

There are days when I can handle all of the above like superman on steroids. There are other days where I think if anyone asks me for just one more thing I am going to explode. So the status messages are nothing more than me being able to express how I feel in the only place that it is safe for me to express that … anywhere he can’t hear it. Because I know that everything he is going through will take his full attention. If you happen to come across one of those messages, don’t fear, I am not on the verge of doing anything stupid. Just remember that caregivers need love too! A hug, a smile, a kind word will go a very long way in helping me keep whatever small bit of sanity I have left!

I’ve finally done it! At the urging of a good friend and colleague, I’ve joined the endless throng of blog writers.

I initially did considerable research about blogging and went through all of the pre-publishing exercises. I spent the time writing down things I was interested or involved in and still was unable to come up with a primary topic for discussion. I opted to come up with a general theme instead. After all, I still had to pick a meaningful title! While reading through the ever-growing list of potential topics, it hit me. The two words that best describe my life — controlled chaos. So, this blog will not be about politics or religion (although occassionally those topics may creep in), it will not be about the daunting task of raising five children (although I could write a book on that!) and it will not be a discussion about the old days in the Corps and how hard it was to be a woman Marine in the 80′s. It will, instead, be a carefully orchestrated, random collection of thoughts on all matters of things. Sprinkled with a bit of humor, some deep thought and occassionally, some useful information.